. the 1st fall .

  

   I'm gonna sleep. It's strange huh, but i decided that I should sleep early tonight. This whole week, which has just gone by, totally was a disaster I've never had before. On Tuesday, it was insect allergy which made my whole body turn out to be so red and itchy. On Wednesday, it was an ant which got into right ear and couldn't get its way out so it had to get deeper into my ear and bit me to such a pain that I couldn't do anything but screamed for help and cried for being so afraid that I would be deaf. And things became much worse on the next day. My right foot suddenly got problem with its muscles and it was diagnosed that I got light mental asthenia for staying awake so late at night and thinking too much without enough sleep and a reasonable regimen. So I took the rest of my week all for resting and relaxing, hoping that everything would be better when a new week comes. But still there was sth in my mind telling me that troubles and perhaps misery or mishap are ahead waiting for me :). I was right.

   All I got last week were merely the pains of the body, not the ones within inside my heart. I just got some news which made me feel so sad. If it was a shock, it might be easier to pass by 'cause I would have all the rights to be in an extremely dramatic situation to shout out in pain to let the everybody know how hurt I am. But life is not that easy. As a careful and prudent person, I always try to think of every trend things could become in the future to reduce risks, theoretically. In fact, whichever troubles you have with your heart and your soul, the more you try to avoid, the more you make your situation worse and harder to be dealt. I knew about it, about anything which certainly is a bunch of terrible things it would bring to me, yet still could do nothing to avoid it. Haha, how stupid I am! Seems like I truly deserve it. :))

   Everything's back to the beginning line now. Only sadness remains in me :). It's like a small scar which prove the existence of a bad injury which used to be there on your body, right at the place the scar got now :). Haha, what should I do now? Next Thursday is another Thursday the 12th. Haha, there're sth more sarcastic for me to suffer. My life is so like a comedy in which all sorrows and sufferings make the audiences burst into laughters and then, what they have to do is to think and to cry for what life always is. How whimsical and weird it is! Life is as that way :)). And my life might be so along that direction. Sometimes, with all the misfortunes I got and the time they usually happened, I came up with the thought that I was cursed since the 1st moment of my life...

   ... 4 AM Thursday, Jan. 12th 1989 :)).

   What was so wrong with that moment? :))

   :))



   Once again, I try to calm down and listen to music which recently has made me think more and more about *falling through a cloud*. I know it's crazy but it really has attracted me too much to resist it. My life has been this trashful and the only precious that left is the desire to fall through a cloud. I want to feel such fresh air and touch the soft and white clouds. I want to let my body truly flows naturally without any resistance. I want my eyes to be directly opposite the sky up above me, face to face, and see how deep and beautiful it is :) as I'm leaving that endless blue sky :).

   If possible, please let me know the reason why I have to suffer all those things especially on that day. If not, at least show me the signal of a useless life I'm living for me to have courage to quit everything before it's too late.

   Please! That's my only wish for now! 

The winds are all flying by,
but only I am left here.
I'm lost,
I'm drunk in the dreams in the sunshine.
I'm wandering as the sounds are still on and my eyes are still towards the lights.
I'm lost in my fantasies but so love them and never want to return to reality.

... lost and lonely
... and waiting for the final breath to be taken away
by the last scene of *the endless blue sky* in my eyes
on the journey *falling through a cloud* :)
:)