xxxHolic

1:04 PM,


   Right now I'm listening to xxxHolic soundtracks. This may be the anime of which soundtracks I like the most, esp. the ones written and sung by Suga Shikao. And besides, I really like the anime itself :). Why? The only reason I have now is the main character's personality, I mean the way Yuuko thinks and acts. She's both evil and angelic, so in the end, noone can judge whether she's good or bad. She stands alone and knows for sure what she's doing and what all the things are for, with her unique confidence and her knowledge of "Hitsuzen", which truly amazes me.

   What is "Hitsuzen"? I got it as something like what we usually call "causal principle", we reap as we sow :). All the decisions we've made, all the choices we've had, from the littlest things to the less and to the much greater things, all reflects the way we act and react with our lives, and all show our personality, so they show who we are. There's nothing such destiny if we don't live our lives as our ways. We are the ones who have made our lives as they are now, all those decisions we've made and all the choices we've had :). "Causal principle", anyone has their own motives and their own points of view which lead them to the action in each real lives and then particular results are created :).


   Somehow I feel like I've had a companion who has quite the same idea about life as what I've got for myself :). It's great, even if that special one is just a character, or wider to mention - an anime. I've spent so much time thinking about the world and lives around me and so I'm not much into my studying at all. That really bothers my parents who always are worried about my future. It's clear that they've had such high expectations of me. I've been a good, extreme intelligent girl since childhood. I've always had my top place in class and that's the family's pride. My parents thought that I can become a good teacher or a successful businesswoman due to my excellent achievements of Maths.

   But one day, my father found one of my literature tests and he started to worry about me. I got good scores in Literature as well as what I got with Maths, and even much better in some other ways of comparisons with Maths. That means I had 2 choices for my life, one to become as what my parents want and one to become what I want which is to be a cultural scholar or professor or a writer or at least a literature translator. And the moment I told my parents the deep desire of profession of mine, they were almost shocked :D. They had no belief in my dream. And I did what they want.


   After getting the results of the Uni. exams which proved I passed for both Banking University (BU) and the University of Social Sciences and Humanity (USSH), I visited USSH for the 1st time and I was extremely happy to get some introduction from the senior students of the uni. about the whole things and events they had in general. Yet eventually, I decided to apply for BU after hearing my Mom's conversation with one of her friends in which she showed so much worry about my future. I didn't think of myself but only cared about others' feelings and thought. And...

... I've been in BU for nearly 2 and a half years and what I've had about this place is nothing but bore, disappointment of myself and regret, full of regret. But it's been almost 2 and a half years so any start-over things would be really troubled. When I made that stupid decision, I thought that it was just a change which anyone must have in their lives. I was wrong. As in one of Nightwish lyrics, "losing faith makes a crime", I betrayed my dreams, so what I get now is all the atonement for that crime. I guess that decision was just for myself not to hear any complaints anymore and to avoid quarrels with my parents. I was selfish, coward and overconfident about my adapting ability. I failed.

  
   2 years have gone by and I again and again got all failure in my studying of economy which I definitely have no interest in and I cannot change that fact just because of the obsession of the bad shocks my parents would have. So I just let things pass by. What done is done, and what will be will be. No more competition in studying with friends, no more efforts in class, no more ideas for the projects I have. I'm waiting only for the graduation day or maybe sooner the decision from the headmaster of BU that I'm dismissed, haha :)). If only I could stop these stupid and useless days. If only I could deal with my parents :|.

      I reap as I sow :)). Causal Principle :)). I'm lost. And all I can do to raise me up a little bit is listen to music for the whole day, hide myself for nobody to find me. I stay in the invisible situation and watch everything around me, I keep tracking silently my friends' steps in their lives which all give them more interest and hopes. They're not like me :). I'm jealous but can merely blame myself for my misery now. I keep watching lives and then write down any thought and feelings I have just to escape from my current bad situation. I'm helpless. I failed my life :). And it's Hitsuzen, my Inevitability.


   I'll end here. I don't want to think much about myself. All the stress I've got until now is still not enough. I skip class more and more often. I want to quit. And I can do nothing but waiting for the end of everything. I'm dead but have no courage to end it myself but having to hold on for the natural end. :)) What was I born for? To make life richer, more plentiful and more colorful, huh. Hope it might be good in some ways.

   :))

   :))

   That sucks. And I have to always solace myself by repeating these words... Life is Beautiful! :))

Damn me! :))